“Christmas doesn't have to be perfect”: practical guidelines for more kind holidays

The social pressure to be happy at Christmas can trigger emotional discomfort. The clash between the “ideal” and what can actually be done can increase symptoms such as anxiety, sadness, irritability, and sleep problems; they are alerts that warn us to pay attention; otherwise, they could end up leading to a mental health problem. Clinical psychologist Mireia Martí, reference in the Family Therapy Program at Parc Sanitari Sant Joan de Déu, recommends flexibilising gatherings, respecting individual needs (including the possibility of short rituals or reducing stimuli), and setting assertive limits to preserve emotional well-being.

Why can Christmas be difficult?

“In these dates, there is more pressure to be well, happy, together, and united. “When reality doesn’t match the ideal, frustration appears, sadness for those who are no longer here, guilt over conflicts, and sometimes shame,” notes Mireia Martí. Despite the myths, Christmas does not “cure” sadness or depression; instead, it intensifies emotions. “But this is not bad; emotions inform and need attention. Paying attention to them prevents them from coming out in other ways,” concludes Mireia Martí.

“For Christmas, we need to lower the ideal and adapt it to what we can do without harming ourselves.”

Most vulnerable groups

People in grief (recent or not), family conflicts, migrants, economic difficulties, lonely people, elderly people, caregivers, and people with previous mental health problems (such as depression, eating disorders, Autism Spectrum Disorders, or substance use) may be more vulnerable during this time of year due to emotional intensity, amplification of stimuli, or exposure to excesses in food or substances like alcohol.

Symptoms that may intensify

Anxiety, which causes shortness of breath, palpitations, or muscle stiffness, irritability, insomnia, or maladaptive substance use can indicate the need to pay attention. However, as psychologist Mireia Martí points out, “they are warning signs, not disorders or diagnoses: we need to control them so they don’t get worse.”

Myths to debunk

In this time of year, old myths reappear that it’s worth debunking to adjust expectations.

• “You have to be happy at Christmas”: myth. Families have different needs; the important thing is to reach functional agreements without pressure.
• “If you’re not happy, it’s your fault”: false. Emotions are not a voluntary choice.
• “The holidays cure depression”: no. They can block or worsen discomfort if there are pressures.

Loneliness and grief: how to navigate the holidays

When there is a recent loss or significant absence, it’s common for it to become more intense or visible at Christmas. The healthiest thing is to allow oneself to be sad and not blame oneself for the feelings. If it’s a contextualized emotion, it’s totally normal. If it intensifies, worsens, and overflows, help must be sought.

“Grief doesn’t stop for Christmas; give it space with rituals, calm, and give it meaning.”

Christmas is full of rituals, and people need to have them. Mireia Martí proposes some rituals that can help during this period: having a photo or object of the loved one with a candle to materialize the memory (it can be an individual or shared ritual); seek alternative supports such as friends or peer groups; and accept that this Christmas may be different without putting pressure on oneself.

It’s also a good time to create alternative traditions and routines, such as going to a spa, going out into nature, or walks around the city. Reducing meetings and making them shorter and more meaningful, finding spaces for individual self-care (rest, sports, reading), or starting volunteering without over-demanding are different ways to adapt Christmas to each person’s current life moment.

When there is someone at home with a mental health problem

People going through a delicate emotional moment or dealing with a mental health problem may feel overexposed to family and social pressures. It’s for this reason that expectations need to be adjusted, respect what the person needs, and offer options. For example, if a person with ASD doesn’t feel comfortable in a family gathering that lasts all day, or someone going through grief prefers not to meet with people, shorter meetings can be proposed, reduce stimuli, or visits at another time. “The person decides and should not feel pressure from society or family. “Offering alternatives that work for the majority can avoid conflicts and misunderstanding,” recalls Mireia Martí.

“If I get overwhelmed, I stop, breathe, go for a walk, and ask for relief.”

Simple tips to avoid being dragged by stress

Setting reasonable limits, five-minute pauses to breathe in silence and resume; prioritize oneself; sharing tasks… these are some micro-actions we can take to lighten the pressure during the Christmas dates. “Stepping aside for a moment and creating a personal space is a way to take care of oneself,” summarizes Mireia Martí.

1. Adjust expectations: simplify plans, do less without guilt.
2. Self-regulation kit: breathing, pause, going for a walk, asking for relief.
3. Examples for setting assertive limits:
   or “This would be my ideal, but I respect that it’s not yours; let’s find an alternative.”
   or “If I need distance, it’s for what I need; "it’s not an expulsion."
   or “Christmas doesn’t have to be perfect to be meaningful.”

"Setting limits is self-care; and self-care is caring for the family.”

When should you seek professional help?

When discomfort persists or worsens, anxiety and/or depression symptoms are more intense, or sleep dysregulation increases, professional help should be sought. If there are thoughts or suicidal ideation, immediate help is needed.

Help resources in case of suicidal ideation
• Phone 112 if the risk is imminent
• Phone 061 Salut Respon (activation of the Suicide Risk Code)
• Phone 024 (national telephone line for suicidal behaviour)
• Sant Joan de Déu Mental Health 360 (SOM): accredited information by health and social professionals